I feel as though I'm getting naked here, but isn't this what beta blog is all about? being naked in front of your friends and letting them tell you you should really remove that unsightly mole? ...these are lyrics for a song that might go on the record. tell me what you think.... i'm scared to know, but I'm okay with the fear now. i'm constantly learning. i like them because 1. they fit the melody I hear in my head and 2. they came in a moment where i truly felt this feeling. but is that enough to make it good? en français i would say "j'ai besoin de recul" (I need an objective point of view). lyrics intimidate me. and so, i'm officially ranting, but what i want to say is that i respect you, beta friends, contributing poets and masters of verse, so sock it to me assholes! i mean friends! whom i love and respect, and am only chastising because of my love and respect (and it helps not to be so intimidated)....
say it
I can't go on like I'm the one
I used to think so but what have we become
Yesterday I was your true love lady
It's all faded away
Chorus:
Why don't you just say it, baby
you don't want this anymore
You love me but you've got to let me go
I just need to hear it, darling (if it's true)
That that old feeling's gone
And there ain't no use in tryin' to hold on
Ain't no use baby
It's so hard to loosen my grip
Afraid to lose the man my heart's with
but holdin' on does nobody no good
It's time to let this happen like it should
chorus
If you love something, they say to set it free
If it comes back, baby, it's meant to be
The door is open if you want to leave
chorus
9 comments:
The only thing I would drop is the (first or second lol) "that" before "old feeling's gone".
Very powerful words. I can hear a booming vocal chorus.
good call blue mask. yep and thanks.
I think it's great, and who doesn't wanna see you naked?
:)
hey druni:
first of all, this song is super emotional and hits me right in the stomach.
ouch and oooo all at the same time.
disclaimer. I've never written a song but if it were a poem... but here are some suggestions,
i would use less conjunctions.
so in the chorus I would get rid of the the "and" in the line "there aint no use in tryin to hold on" etc.
and maybe you could reference your heart in the chorus.
instead of "I just need to hear it, darling (if it's true)
maybe "my heart is beating, it just need to know"
the beating heart makes it more urgent and sometimes its the heart that's deaf and not the ears.
thanks cara.
i appreciate the feedback and suggestions and am noting them.
the thing with songwriting, for me, is that I often write the lyrics based on the melodic cadence. hence, it's sometimes necessary to add words that don't really need to be there to fill the lyric, such as "and" and "that that". hehe.
it makes sense musically, but not so much on paper.
Thanks for your comments friends.
that is so interesting,I hadn't thought of that.
what an amazing skill to be able to hear the melody in your head like that, and strengthen it with words
can't wait to hear the final version.
i love the last stanza, very powerful. you've definitely communicated the feeling and provoked a response. can't wait to hear the song.
as a song, it has immediacy and it is engaging.
if you want to strengthen it, as a poem, then i would work on the formal "devices" - like creating a strong image pattern through out the stanzas to deepen the meaning and add to the experience for careful listeners...
yeah, for sure adding the voice/music to this changes how you'd want to present it.
i agree w/ the suggestions re the poem/song split.
no tears in the writer, no tears in the reader, we always say. or in the listener.
I wonder if you could spin in a historic/fictional reference, perhaps someone or something that might have been feeling the same thing as the character in the song? I dunno, a little research might prove to add another layer to this. could even be the addition of a metaphor.
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