Tomorrow I step onto a mat
and face a person who,
unlike in practice,
really wants to break my arm
really wants to choke me out
really wants to hurt me
because he wants to win
because he's there like I am
and I would never begrudge him,
not because he wants to win
(even if he was enlightened
and did not want to win)
but because it will be for real
because he chose to be there
all safety and rules aside
it will be for real
I am nervous, less nervous than the last time
but in a way not nervous, more anxious
and I get the feeling I am anxious
because I have expectations
I have improved in this art over the last two years
noticeably
and I feel there is expectation
among those who have seen me on this journey
but that doesn't even matter
that shouldn't even matter
I shouldn't have even said that
because I am imputing
and it does not matter
and that brings up a good point:
what I say I help to make real
what I say increases the likelihood
of what I say
as to get more you don't
need to add more
I should rid myself of expectation
it makes one try in ways that are negative
that do not work
that are not just
I am expectation
I must rid myself of expectation
until nothing matters
until I can act
without thinking
until I can act
without remorse
without favour
with no bias
with no feeling:
I am just
for it is real
Stepping on the mat in itself is a victory
One must think of the ruthlessness of life
of the certainty of death
of placing oneself at risk
in a time when there is no
justice of the sort that we seek
11 comments:
Signing up to take the chance is, in my opinion, always a victory, and its manifestation in that anxious nervousness a sign of taking good chances.
But I remain unconvinced of the need to rid yourself/ ourselves of expectations. It might make you try in negative ways, as you write, but only if that's what you choose to focus on and do. Conversely it can make us try in positive ways - and to reinforce how good it is to try, even (and maybe especially) when it doesn't work. And if others have expectations for us, isn't that a sign of care and love that should be harnessed and given back?
A great ode to the meeting of mind, body and life. Good luck, and kick butt (all matters of philosophy aside)!
nice!
this is an interesting look at your thoughts the night before a competition.
so in that way it's interesting. i'd be nervous too. damn nervous.
i agree about expectations too.
giving it line breaks doesn't really make it a poem, though, since it's actually a prose piece, like a letter or monologue-- these are sentences.
word verif: upulite.
p.s. fourscore and seven years ago...
Nice one. I had to go watch snowboard videos for an hour after reading it.
Word Verif: vactive
Little drops of water wear down big stones (latin proverb)
Break a leg Carlos.
so... how'd it go? what's the score here man? what's next?
I was winning, then he popped my elbow, now I'm sore and drugged, heheh.
I've got it on video, will post it when I can.
In the end, it was a victory, felt awesome, can't wait o do it again!
:)
victory: the sound of an elbow popping out of joint.
sonofabitch! get better. no terry fox run, i guess...?
no, wasn't that bad, just a tiny little pop, and my friend had this amazing Chinese medicine with him, and it helped. It was this liquid that you blow on to activate it, kinda-like liquid heat, but cold, if you know what I mean, and then this tape that was coated with some concoction. So the ointment was applied, and the tape placed over top. Our other friend is Chinese, and when I asked him what it was, he said: woh, this sh-t's serious, mainland China sh-t, my parents use this.
And I ran, felt great, running is meditative.
And now that I've had some time to digest, the victory came in me just being there, and also in terms of me learning not to rush. I was dominating him, and then I rushed to try to get a move, and it ultimately led to my demise. Another part of the victory was the fact that I was present, I was aware the whole time, unlike the first time, which was clouded by intensity.
The best way to fight is with a clear mind.
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